When I was in college in the early 80’s The Clash had a hit song, “Should I stay or should I go?” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqH21LEmfbQ. Only The Clash could make indecision of an on again off again romance so profoundly cool. Fast forward 25 or so years, now with 18 to 20 year old daughters of my own, their lyrics takes on a new spin. It’s my kid’s song now, except it’s no tenuous love interest their beholden to, it’s worse, it’s me and their dad. Me and Rob, Rob and I. Ah yes, college, the great last frontier of a weigh station between childhood and adult independence. And to add to the dilemma, a sour economy makes extended support on us even more likely come graduation day. To paraphrase Dickens, a family favorite, “It is the best of times and it is the worst of times” (except, this is in the present tense, if you please).
I was reminded of this last night, when Hilary, daughter #2 “Skyped” (see www.skype.com) me. Through the wonders of our laptop webcams, I can see Hilary face to face though she is 3,000 miles away. Coincidently, her sister, Brooke, daughter #1, is visiting her in her dorm having flown out from her L.A. campus for a weekend sibling junket. Their first trip together, sort of, apart from childhood church camp that is. Brooke having scraped her pennies together to fund said trip to see her little “squirt”, they are free to explore our nation’s capital together where Hilary attends school. They are truly the best of friends, a good thing. “All is well”, I think. Two lovely daughters calling their mother with the excited chatter of their day’s events, like sharing with me a first day of school experience in years gone by. As I listen, they morph into the precious 7 and 5 year olds they once were.
“How sweet”, I sigh. Only a minute or two into the conversation, Hilary asks for my credit card number. "What?", I say, returning back from my parental past? "I found a good deal on my ticket home for Christimas." she explains. Yes, home for the holidays, home to see us, all good, but still, my charge card number is needed. Jokingly, I suggest, “oh, so you’re calling for money?”. No harm, it’s our full intent to pay for her visits home, yet, I drift again. A monetarily generated “Skype”? Does this to count as a phone call home? Am I entitled to a non credit card issued contact? Go figure, with multiple ways for college students to connect to their parent’s across the miles these days, there is now multiple ways to ask the age old college question, “Can you please send money?”.
Credit card request aside, I was delighted they were, “checking in” being very interested to be given an update on their daily together time. Wait a second, am I entitled to a daily update? Would my parents have expected this of me? Doubtful. I don’t recall being this accountable to them when I was in college myself. Even so, I justify, blame it on technology, having made instant communication a right we've come accustomed to instead of mere convenience.
As a parent, there is a whole new level now to the art of not letting go. If I think about it, I can blame frequent contact for a variety of reasons. First off, it's cheap. When I was in college, I wrote letters or called home only on the weekends and during certain hours because that's when the rates were cheapest. Not today though, our cell phone family plan means we can talk to each other anywhere in the country at no extra charge. Is this a good thing? Maybe. After all, I am paying for the dorm they’re sleeping in, the campus cafeteria they are eating in, the laptop their talking through, and the tuition (albeit, modified, due to Hilary’s previous academic success, but still slightly exceeding the cost of a University of California choice) being charged. Does that mean there are strings attached to all of this opportunity we’ve afforded them? Am I entitled to personal and relevant updates when I want it and how I want it? Well, maybe yes and maybe no.
Good thing for them, (though I wonder if they see it that way) I require an element of personal investment in their higher education. Whether we could afford it or not, their partial ownership of this grand adventure has been priceless. The sense of justified independence it gives them is worth ever blessed Stafford loan they’ve taken out or minimum wage job they’ve worked. It’s a sense of satisfaction they are paying their fair share and are entitled to their own privacy, adult learning experiences and unanswerable fun. This I really do believe and despite momentary slips, I do embrace such a philosophy.
It is written, to much that is given, much is required. It’s a little like politics isn’t it? The more we take in the way of assistance, the more we are beholden to the powers that be. Should our girls have stayed at home and lived under our roof while pursuing higher education, cutting us a break? Will they have to move back when their college days are through for lack of funds? Independence comes with a hefty price tag I guess, for them and for us. Ezma said is best I think (A Disney villaness from The Emperor’s New Grove- a Brooke and Hilary favorite), “It’s a cruel irony, like my dependence on you…” Yes, a cruel irony indeed.
But at least Rob and I have gotten the house to ourselves for a time. And in some ways, that has made me glad and sad. Again, the dichotomy of opposites, because as The Clash said, “If I go there will be trouble, but if I stay there will be double…” and that’s something both sides of this equation can understand.
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